KuyaKevin.com

I’ve been promising to write an article on "emotional purity." I get asked about it every once in a while, and I also see this term on websites/blogs. There’s even a book with the same title as this blog post.

Sacred Cows=Cute, Not Helpful

So what I do I think? I think the “emotional purity” term is one of those of those “sacred cows”—something that sounds holy, but doesn’t have any scriptural support. It gets used and passed around by well-meaning Christians, but it doesn’t really help anyone to honor God matters of the heart.

Here’s why I would not advise you to emphasize this term in your life or ministry:



First and foremost, it’s just not in the Bible. I spend a lot of time talking about sexual purity. Why? Simple--it’s repeated several times in the Bible (Genesis 2:24; 1st Corinthians 6: 18-20; 1st Thessalonians, etc.). But I’ve yet to find clear biblical guidelines for “emotional purity.”

This type of terminology is also very confusing. Let’s talk again about sexual purity. There is a clear standard from God: we should avoid sexual intimacy outside of marriage. Yes, there is some room for discussion (and even disagreement) about what is acceptable before marriage in terms of physical intimacy. But at least we have a clear standard to guide us.

“Emotional purity,” on the other hand, does not have any such standard (since it isn’t in the Bible in the first place). Think about this scenario: a youth pastor stands in front of his students. “Sexual purity is not enough—you have to pursue emotional purity, too.” Sounds all holy, but all the students are left to wonder exactly what their youth pastor wants them to do (or not to do). Does having a crush make you guilty of “emotional impurity?” What about having a boyfriend/girlfriend—is that impure?

This kind of thinking ends up causing needless guilt and paranoia. We should, of course, be cautious in matters of the heart. But calling any kind of emotional attachment “impure” is just overkill. It adds guilt to those who may be going through a breakup—as if “giving your heart away” is something you can only do once. It might make singles afraid to risk initiating new relationships (and trust me—any relationship involves risks).

I take my role as a campus minister very seriously, and I want to encourage students to be holy in all aspects of life. But I don’t think God needs “extra help” from me to guide young people—there’s no need for me to add to His commandments. Let’s stick to clear biblical principles (be pure; be wise) and shoot the sacred cows.

In this episode:

*Relationship warning signs.
*Public displays of affection (PDA).
*"Sexting"

You can listen Wednesday nights on The Edge Davao, 1043 F.M. at 9:00 p.m.  You can go to their website and click "listen online" to hear it via internet. 

The show's airtime on The Edge Lucena, 90.3 FM,  is Thursday nights at 8:00 p.m. and Sunday evening at 5:00 p.m. (replay). 

Here's Marry Me by Train. I found this song over at Women-Ish (Thess) and played it on last week's radio show.

I’m sure some of you were unable to listen to last week’s radio show/podcast. We’re working on making it available on-demand over at The Edge. Anyway, here’s one of the questions that was asked:

Hi, Kuya! I have been so blessed by your ministry. I have been reading your blogs and found them extremely helpful.

I am a single woman in my early 30’s. I’ve always believed age doesn’t really matter in relationships. Right now I’m being courted by a significantly younger guy (he is over ten years younger than I). He is very mature for his age, but I’m still unsure about this relationship. Can you give me some advice?

First and foremost, I greatly appreciate your encouraging words and I’m thankful to have you as a reader.

I’ve written about age gaps before, but I think it may be helpful to specifically address this issue for women considering younger men.

The Scripture is basically silent on the issue—God has not given us a standard for acceptable age differences in a marriage relationship. Having said that, I think there are some practical issues you should consider here. As I always say, God expects us to use discernment and make wise decisions (see: The Two Commandments).

I want you to consider three factors in regards to this young suitor:

1. Maturity
2. Stability
3. Biology

1. Maturity: People need to be at compatible levels of maturity in order to get along. I won't say "equal" levels, because no two people are at the exact same level.

It's possible he is very mature for his age and this isn't a problem. The age difference may come into play in your conversation: after all, he has grown up in a different decade. But with compatible maturity levels this may not be an issue.

2. Stability: This one is a bit tougher. A significantly younger suitor is less likely to be stable, especially in terms of his career and financial status. There could be exceptions here--maybe he's already graduated and started his career. But this is one of the potential disadvantages to a younger boyfriend. I'm not saying you should look for someone who is rich. But younger men (especially those who are still studying) are less likely to be financially stable and able to provide you with the necessities of life.


3. Biology: Here's where the younger boyfriend really tends to have disadvantages, especially if there is a significant age gap. You are at the age where you are ready to have children. This time window will not last forever (the so-called "biological clock"). I'm not sure if he'll be ready to become a father in a timely manner.

I would encourage you to prayerfully consider all these factors. This young man may be the exception to the rule—he may be mature, stable and ready to start a family. My greatest concern is that you may waste valuable time on someone who is not ready for a lifetime commitment.

Kuya Kevin

We finally have a new episode!  It will be aired tonight on The Edge Davao, 1043 F.M. at 9:00 p.m.  You can go to their website and click "listen online" to hear it via internet.  

The show's airtime on The Edge Lucena, 90.3 FM,  is Thursday nights at 8:00 p.m. and Sunday evening at 5:00 p.m. (replay). 

I did this latest episode solo (Erwin should be rejoining me for the next one).  Here are some of the things I talk about:

*What does the Bible say about natural disasters such what happened in Japan?
*"I'm dating a guy who is significantly younger--is this wise?"
*"My ex owes me money.  Should I consider legal action?"
*"Is it possible to fall out of love?"

 A while back I wrote a post about God’s will and "the one," an eye-opening concept for many (even though what I wrote was 100% backed up by Scripture).

Once again I’m going to invite you to take the "red pill" and take a critical look at another related concept: waiting for the one.

It goes something like this:

“Wait for the one God has chosen for you. Don’t date or form any sort of emotional attachment until you have found the one.”

Most anyone with real-life experience sees the flaw with this: how in the world am I supposed to know she’d make a good wife without dating? This idea of “waiting for the one” has us putting the cart before the horse. It’s another example of overspiritualization that’s so common in the church.

Here are some of the problems with this whole “waiting for the one” mindset:


As I’ve mentioned in other posts, it causes us to be overly passive, believing we are to do nothing to look for a godly spouse (since He’s already worked everything out and will deliver “the one” to your doorstep).

It creates a one-size-fits-all approach to dating and courtship. Much of this “waiting on the one” comes from the testimony of well-meaning but misguided believers/authors. Since they met their spouses with minimal effort (usually when they were young), the assumption is God has to work that same way in everyone’s life.

It puts to much pressure early in the relationship. Don’t get me wrong—I don’t believe relationships should drag on for months and years with no clear direction.  But we do need some time to allow the process of dating/courtship to teach us. How much time?  That really depends on the people involved.  Regardless, we can only expect two people to know so much about each other if they are just starting a relationship.


This mentality also assumes any form of romantic/emotional attachment is “impure.” This is simply not in the Bible. Yes, I encourage my readers to guard their hearts and not jump into relationships too quickly. But this is more a matter of wisdom than purity. All this nonsense about “emotional purity” just sets up singles to feel guilty—even when they’ve kept biblical standards of conduct in their relationships.


It sets us up for despair if our first relationship doesn’t end in marriage. The “waiting for the one” idea implies you marry your first boyfriend/girlfriend, or else you’ve done something wrong. Well, what if your first boyfriend turns out to be a jerk? What if you didn’t realize this until you two had been dating for a while? This is exactly what courtship/dating should teach us--so we can learn this before marrying an unsuitable partner.

In other words, we should not see ourselves as failures if the first guy/girl we date doesn’t turn out to be our spouse—we should instead be thankful for whatever we learned.

But Kevin, don’t you believe true love waits?

Yes! I’m an advocate of sexual purity, and I use the True Love Waits material in some of my seminars. But I think there’s been a great misunderstanding on what “waiting” actually means. Let’s look at what the TLW commitment card says:

"Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship."

As far as I’m concerned, “True Love Waits” simply means abstaining from sexual intimacy outside of marriage. This is challenging enough in our x-rated world. Do we need more complicated, legalistic restrictions? I sure don’t, and I don’t believe my students do, either.

Final Thoughts:

What I’m trying to do is get us back to a biblical, balanced view of things. We should be pure and be wise in our dating relationships. But we should also be cautious about following non-biblical rules and expectations in the search for love.

I still remember something one of my Christian Education professors told me. He had a special gift in mind once one of his children decided to get engaged. He would take them to divorce court. That’s right—divorce court. There they would watch couples fight over everything from child custody to silverware—couples that once stood at the altar and publicly professed their love for each other.

This may not sound like a very good engagement gift. But my professor wanted his children to learn a very important lesson: marriage takes a lot of work to be successful.

Let’s think about this for a minute. How many of you know someone who has experienced a separation, divorce or some kind of failed marriage? We all have. Here’s what all these couples had in common: they also stood at the altar, looked lovingly into each other’s eyes, and vowed to love each other for the rest of their lives.

Sobering thought, huh? It should be.

“But Kevin, that could never happen to me. I have found my soul mate. Our love is like no other love.”

Don’t you think our before-mentioned examples said (or thought) the exact same thing?

I’m not trying to scare you out of love or marriage. I’m a resilient hopeless romantic myself.

But I hope you see the importance of making wise decisions—using your head as well as your heart. I also hope you will choose to make Christ the center of your relationships. Our love is never strong enough—we need His help.

Unless the LORD builds the house,
  the builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
  the guards stand watch in vain. 
-Psalm 127:1

I’m a man of faith--I believe in the authority of Scripture. But I must confess, I used to have a little bit of trouble with the whole “Creation vs. Evolution” thing. I’ve always loved science, and most biology textbooks present Darwinian evolution as a fact--a foregone conclusion.

My high school biology textbook, for example, had one page about “creationism.” Just one page—that should give you some idea as to how seriously the authors took any other theories on the origins of life.

I’ve since realized just how much scientific evidence exists to challenge (if not completely debunk) Darwinian evolution.

Darwin’s theory came before modern microbiology, so he assumed cells were fairly unsophisticated. But nothing could be further from the truth. We need look no further than the humble bacterium to see what I’m talking about.

One of the microscopic wonders of the world is the bacterial flagellum. This structure propels the microorganism with incredible efficiency. It is a microscopic, organic propeller—a true marvel of nature.

Michael Behe, a biochemistry professor, developed the Irreducible Complexity theory based on such organic systems. Such intricate systems, he argued, are "composed of several well-matched, interacting parts that contribute to the basic function, wherein the removal of any one of the parts causes the system to effectively cease functioning." In other words, you can’t remove one small component without the entire system shutting down. This would make it impossible for such systems to evolve.

Behe’s theory, if accepted, deals a serious blow to the theory of evolution. Consider this quote from Darwin himself:

“If it could be demonstrated that any complex organ existed, which could not possibly have been formed by numerous, successive, slight modifications, my theory would absolutely break down. But I can find out no such case.”

Those who believe in Darwinian evolution have rejected Behe’s theory (no surprise there). But Irreducible Complexity expresses (in scientific terms) something I’ve always believed: life, even at the microscopic level, is just too marvelous to be an accident.

The heavens proclaim the glory of God.
      The skies display his craftsmanship.
  Day after day they continue to speak;
      night after night they make him known.
  They speak without a sound or word;
      their voice is never heard.
  Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,
      and their words to all the world.
 -Psalm 19:1-4


Note: This post was inspired by The Case for a Creator, a documentary by Lee Strobel.