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Time for me to review a fantastic book: No More Christian Nice Guy, by Paul Coughlin.

I'd like to start this review by explaining why this book was so meaningful to me.  Some guys tend to be brash, impulsive and arrogant.  But my character flaws have always leaned towards the other end of the spectrum (I'm capable of expressing the before-mentioned traits, but they are not what have caused me the most trouble in my life).  As I've mentioned before, I'm an introvert--a shy type (see: Confessions of a Frightened Public Speaker).   This timid nature used to get the best of me: I feared rejection and failure. I avoided confrontation.  I was too quick to apologize.  I was loyal to a fault--even to those who clearly hadn't earned it.  In short, I'm a "recovering Christian nice guy" (as Coughlin would put it). 

Needless to say, I could relate to this book.  I really wish something like this had been around years ago--maybe I would have learned some hard lessons sooner than I did.

So let's get to the book's content.  I'll try to summarize some of Coughlin's points, and in come cases, just quote him directly (note: I'm not necessarily following the order of the book here):

Jesus:

Yes, Jesus had a gentle sensitive side.  But he was also rugged, passionate, sarcastic, shrewd, irreverent, confrontational, and fearless.  Those who tried to trap him with questions were quickly embarrassed.  Thieves who peddled religion for profit ended up at the wrong side of a whip (we assume Jesus never would have actually touched anyone with that whip, but those in the temple sure didn't).  Not everyone who met Jesus walked away thinking "what a nice man."

This "manly" side of Jesus, Coughlin argues, has been neglected in preaching and teaching.  The result is the "Christian Nice Guy (CNG)"--a man who thinks there's something spiritual about being a doormat.   Balanced teaching about the Person of Christ would inspire men to live more boldly:

It's hell being a Christian Nice Guy until you embrace Christ's tough, courageous, protective, assertive personality, which invigorates real male sensibilities.

Love and Relationships:

Christian nice guys usually end up having a really hard time in matters of the heart.  They assume that being "nice" will attract the right girl.  But this isn't how it usually works out.  The CNG just doesn't tend to attract women because he lacks the passion, drive, and confidence that women are drawn to (the story of my teenage life):

Because Christian men are encouraged to be compliant, malleable, and without relational requirements, they often lack the ethos and charisma that attract a woman's heart.

The teachings of the church are not always helpful when it comes to dating:

The church's thoughts on dating aren't usually clear or well articulated, but often it seems that because this cultural ritual is fraught with potential difficulties, the church holds that Christians are better off just avoiding it.

. . . I'm concerned by the moves within some Christian circles to abolish all forms of dating. While it's an imperfect arrangement, in what better way are we to obtain greater understanding and appreciation for the gender so unique and so different from our own?

Marriage:

The Bible does call men to be servant leaders.  But this point can (and does) get over-emphasized, causing men to have unfulfilled desires in their marriage:

. . . no man in his right mind gets married solely to serve; he has wishes, needs, and desires as well.  The church has told him this is selfish and sinful; psychologically unhealthy women latch on to this sweet-sounding nonsense, using it against their husbands, and Christian Nice Guys hide behind it also.  There is a part of them that doesn't think they would require or ask for anything.  

Work/Career:

The GNC often settles for less that what he deserves in terms of pay and promotion.  He doesn't choose his battles carefully (if he ever chooses to stand his ground in the first place).  He does this under the misguided notion of Christian humility.  He may secretly resent his employer, but fear keeps him from seeking a better job (or starting his own business).

 The fact is, people exploit a Christian Nice Guy's naivete and passivity.

Abuse:

The author discloses being abused as a child by his mother.  I could not relate to this--I had a pretty happy childhood.  But it is a very  important part of the book.  Some men are severely wounded in their childhood years, and these wounds cause them to be CNG's:

Abused people believe that something is deeply wrong with them, not because they are sinners, but because they are defective.  They become ashamed of themselves as humans, not because they fail, but because they exist.  Accordingly, troubled Nice Guys must learn to understand the difference between guilt and shame.

Summing it Up:

There's no need for me to quote Coughlin on every chapter or aspect of life.  I think I he sums up the CNG motto with this statement: "If I live small, my troubles will be few."  If this has been your motto (consciously or unconsciously), go out and get a copy of this book.  I think you'll be empowered to live the life God intended for you.

One Final Note:

I'm sure some would complain that No More Christian Nice Guy isn't "balanced."  Fair enough: Some men need to learn other lessons from the Great Teacher (like how to be more humble and patient).  But I don't think a book calling for correction can always be "balanced," and I'm glad this author didn't water down his message.