KuyaKevin.com

He’s Just Not That Into You: A Christian Response


You’re probably aware of the book (now turned movie) called He’s Just Not That Into You.  The book was published in 2004, and the movie just came out this year. 

I decided to buy a (used/cheap) copy of the book while I was in the States.  I finished it a few days ago, and I’d like to respond to it from a Christian perspective. 

Here’s the basic premise of the book:

We men are not that complicated.  If a guy really likes a woman, he’ll do about anything to get to know her, be with her, and make her happy.  If he isn’t, don’t make excuses for him.  He’s probably (you guessed it) just not that into you. 

I agree with this basic premise.  Even the Bible speaks of the behavior of a young man intoxicated by love:

"There are three things that are too amazing for me,
    four that I do not understand:
   the way of an eagle in the sky,
    the way of a snake on a rock,
    the way of a ship on the high seas,
    and the way of a man with a maiden."

-Proverbs 30:18-19 (emphasis mine)


But the book has its fair share of problems.  The authors were consultants for the Sex and the City show.  As you can imagine, they have zero-level understanding of purity and holiness in relationships.

I remember watching the male author (Greg Behrendt) on a talk show when the book first came out.  He advised women to wait about a month before having sex with a new boyfriend.  Hold off your fornication for a month—just brilliant! This foolish advice was based on how long he and his wife waited when they first started dating.

 So, let’s go chapter by chapter and I’ll briefly respond to his points:

Chapter 1:  He’s just not that into if he’s not asking you out
Agreed.  At some point, the guy has to make a move for you to know if he’s really interested.  If he doesn’t, don’t get your hopes up.

Chapter 2: He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you
Agreed.  If a guy likes you, he’ll take initiative in communicating with you (but let’s also include texting—at least in the initial stages).

Chapter 3: He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you
Agreed.  A guy should make his intentions clear.  He won’t be content to just “hang out” with a girl he’s crazy about (remember, I hate MU's).

Chapter 4: He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you
Hold on, we have a problem!   A godly man shows his love by his willingness to wait.  

Chapter 5: He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else
You’d think he didn’t even need to write this chapter, but he did.  A young woman once texted me and told me her boyfriend had sex with another girl.  His excuse was that he was drunk—and this girl was ready to accept this excuse!  I told her to find a guy with some self control.

Chapter 6: He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk
No argument here.  And in fairness to the author, he warns the readers of relationships with those in active addiction.

Chapter 7: He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you
True . . . but he uses some downright lousy examples.  Most of the letters are from women who are cohabitating with their boyfriends and wondering why they haven’t proposed.   He said nothing about the foolishness of cohabitation.   This was one of the worst chapters of the book.

Chapter 8: He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you
Agreed.  Generally speaking, I don’t advise women (or men for that matter) to take someone back who broke things off.  Such a person is either double-minded, immature, not that into you, or a combination of all three.  The only exception would be if you broke up because it just wasn’t the right time (too young, etc). 

Chapter 9: He’s just not that into you if he’s married
100% agreement here—adultery is a dead end.  But the authors’ reasoning tended to be more pragmatic and “this is not good for you” instead of demonstrating a genuine reverence for marriage.

Chapter 10: He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak
Amen!  You should never tolerate someone who puts you down or thinks he’s the center of the universe.  And don’t tell yourself he will change.

By the way, this book is also peppered with plenty of foul language. 

So there you have it—my review.

In case you are wondering, I have no intention of watching the movie.  Am I morally opposed to watching it?  Not really.  I’m just not that into chick flicks.

First it was the Presidential Palace, now the Supreme Court! 

I spoke to the Supreme Court Christian Fellowship.  It was a great honor to minister to them.


My message was based on the Two Commandments of Relationships, and we were able to do a little Q/A time.

Special thanks to HG (Honey Grace) for inviting me!

I just noticed that Aubrey Morla of FEU topped the nursing board exam (Ranked 4 with rating of 87.60).  Congrats!  She wrote a touching note of gratitude to all who have helped her get this far.

Episode includes:
*Announcing plans for my second book.
*What do we do if we've already committed premarital sex?
*How do I know he's interested in me and not just sex?
*Why are married men attracted to me?

Just visit the PODCAST PAGE (http://kuyakevin.libsyn.com) to download the episode. 

The past 10-11 days have been crazy--several True Love Waits presentations. Locations included universities, high schools, and a couple of church groups.  I still have a few more speaking gigs later in the week, but (fortunately) things have slowed down a bit for this week.

Thank you to all who invited me and attended!  It's been a pleasure to meet so many new students in such a short time.   Special thanks to everyone who bought books. 

I'll probably use some of your questions for the Basta LoveLife show (don't worry, your question will be anonymous).  Please give the podcast a try--it's 100% free. 

If you have a question but you didn't get to ask it, just email me.  I'll answer it as quickly as I can. 

I give God all of the glory--after all, I'm an introvert who is terrified of public speaking. 

This is cute . . .

Some of you have asked if I plan to write another book.  

I am now considering a second book!  But I’ll need YOUR help.

I’m thinking of publishing a book based on the Learning the Hard Way series.  I may choose some of the stories that I’ve already posted on the blog (with a more expanded response).  But I’ll need more contributions in order to make a whole book. 

If you’d like to contribute to this project, send me your story of how you learned the hard way.   The instructions would be about the same as the website contributions:

*I’ll consider stories from anyone, but I’m primarily interested in hearing from Filipinos.

*Your real name and email will be kept anonymous. I will give you a pseudonym or nickname, and I might give some very general information (example: “John,” a first year college student).

*I’ll be responsible for editing the English.

*Your story must be submitted through email—not in the comments section here. If you are extremely cautious, just create an free email address for the purpose of corresponding with me.

*You must specifically tell me that you are interested in having this story printed. I never post the content of someone’s email (even anonymously) without his/her permission.

*The story should be no more than about 4 pages. 


Here are a few more things to consider:

You will not get any royalties if I use your story (remember—you’ll be completely anonymous and I’ll be the only one who knows your identity).  If this seems unfair, please keep something else in mind:  I have a lot of work to do after you submit your story (editing, emailing you for clarification, etc).  It isn’t just as simple as copying and pasting your work into the book. 

Since this is going to be printed, I will get your approval on the final version of your story.  I want to be 100% sure we are both satisfied no one could identify you by the story.

If I do use your story, I’ll give you an autographed copy of the new book (once it is printed). 

Your story might keep someone else from committing your mistakes or encourage others who have made the same mistakes. 

So, do you want to help with this project?  First, go back and read the original post that started the Learning the Hard Way.  Then let me know if you are interested

I’m waiting . . .

I didn't really plan to write about this story--I could care less about tabloid gossip.  But I've been asked about it during some of this week's speaking engagements, so maybe it's time for me to say something. 

Just in case you haven't heard, pictured here is Alfie Patten, the so called "13-year-old" father.  The young mother is his 15-year-old girlfriend, Chantelle Steadman.  These aren't the world's first (or youngest) teenage parents, but Alfie's extremely young appearance has turned this baby's birth into a media frenzy. 

So here's my reaction: I'm skeptical and sad. 

First and foremost, I'm skeptical--very skeptical.  This young man looks prepubescent, meaning it appears he has not yet gone through puberty.  Am I the only one who has noticed this?

I was also a "late bloomer."  I still looked like a boy while some of my classmates were already starting to looking like young men.  If my memory serves me correctly, I was about 14 before the major transformation was really underway.  Simply put, I wasn't physically capable of getting someone pregnant when I was 12 (I won't go into further detail, but I think you understand what I'm saying).   

Here's my point--a prepubescent boy simply cannot father a child, regardless of his biological age.  I'm amazed that so many seem to be overlooking the obvious.

This is the main reason I haven't mentioned this story in any of my purity presentations--I simply don't believe it (not to mention the fact that I already have a collection of stories regarding the consequences of impurity).
  
Could I be wrong?  Of course!  I'm not this kid's doctor.  Even if I am wrong, I'm still surprised that so few are asking if he is biologically able to be a father. 

But I'm also deeply saddened by this story.

I'm saddened to hear of another teenage pregnancy.  Another girl becomes a parent about a decade too soon.  Another boy (whoever it turns out to be) is a father before he even knows what it is to be a man. 

I'm saddened that a teenage boy is getting labelled by the media when they aren't even sure of all the facts.

I'm saddened because those who should be protecting these children are instead milking the publicity for every dollar (or pound, as the case may be).

To all of my fellow pastors/youth pastors--please think twice before you use this picture as a handy sermon illustration.  Let's have more integrity than the tabloids.  We've already had enough of urband legends (such as the biochips that were supposedly going to fulfill prophecies in Revelation).  

That's what I think.

We talk about the Two Commandments of relationships and respond to a Learning the Hard Way story (a young woman shares about her struggle with same-sex attraction).

Just visit the podcast page to download or listen.

I woke up a few minutes before seven this morning.  My True Love Waits gig was not until around 10:00 am, but I’d have to make my way across town.  I got ready, hailed a taxi, and headed over to Saint Pedro Poveda College.  There I met with a couple of the school’s counselors and talked with them before conducting the seminar.

I guess it was my first time to do TLW in an all girls’ Catholic school.  I had a great time—really nice venue, and the students responded beautifully (about 125 of them attended). I gave some brotherly advice to those who approached me with questions.  

The staff treated me to lunch around noon.  Great food and hospitality!

Afterwards I proceeded to Robinson’s Galleria--Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (goes straight to the biceps, you know).  I usually try to encode my email addresses at the mall.  It is much easier to sort out the feedback forms in an air-conditioned environment (no fans blowing the forms around).

I sat down with my caffeine/sugar fix and began going through the feedback forms.  That’s when the strange event of the day month year happened.  A middle-aged American man managed to get my attention by standing in my peripheral vision. 

“We’ve met before, haven’t we?” he asked.
“I don’t think so,” I responded.
“Well, I guess all of us (Americans) kind of look alike,” he joked.  I pretended to be amused.

Usually my “gaydar” starts screaming when a random man approaches me in the mall.  But this was different—my “weirdo radar” was detecting a large white object at 3 o’clock.

They guy told me he came to the Philippines to get married, but his fiancé married someone else.  He said he’d been here in the country for ten months trying to get things straightened out with the embassy (not sure what that meant).

I told him I’m a missionary. "Praise God," he said, "I always carry my Bible with me."  He then proceeded to ask if I could give him a little money for “food and shelter.”  “Ok,” I said, and gave him a small amount of money (maybe enough for food, but not enough for shelter).  “Bless you, Kevin,” he said, “Jesus is so real.”  He then left and went further inside the mall.

“Wait a minute,” I thought to myself, “how in the world did I manage to find an American beggar in the Philippines?  Why did I give him money?” 

Let me explain something to my readers.  Sometimes I give coins to beggars here in Manila.  But I’m about as street-wise as they come, and I would never give money to a random guy on the streets in the States.  I might offer to buy lunch for him, but I don’t give cash—I know what cash is used for on the street (I used to counsel drug addicts).

This bizarre character and my response to him perplexed me.   Had I been conned out of a few pesos, or had I just met one of the world’s unluckiest men? 

The evening’s ministry would be much more somber in nature.  One of my teammate’s nephews died a few days ago.  He was only three years old.  I decided to visit the funeral wake tonight.

I rode the monorail and called my friends for further directions.  They sent a text message explaining which jeepney to ride and where to go down.  I followed their directions and hopped on the next available jeepney.  The young driver was blasting gangster rap, complete with booming sub-woofers.  I knew I would need his help to find the right place, so I decided to get his attention.

“Kuya!”  No response.
“Kuya!” No response. 
 “KUUUUYYYYAAAA!” He looked up and acknowledged me.  I pointed to my ears, signaling him to turn the volume down.  He got the hint.
“Kuya, sabihin mo sa akin pagpunta natin sa Onyx Corner (brother, tell me once we get to . . . ).”  
“OK, no problem” he replied, and cranked the volume back up.

I eventually found my way to the funeral home.  I met my teammate’s sister, the mother of the deceased child.  We stood by the boy’s coffin while she told me about the medical problems that caused his death (a congenital heart defect which he had been hospitalized for several times).

I asked her if I could read some Scripture passages to her.  She retrieved her Bible and we sat down on the front pew.  I read from Matthew Chapter 18, reminding her of the special place in God’s heart for children.  I pointed out verse 10, which indicates children have their own guardian angels. 

We talked for several minutes.  I did my best to give her some words of comfort and wisdom.  But I spent most of my time listening—that’s what she needed. 

We finished our talk with a word of prayer.  I asked God to strengthen her and give her peace through this time of grief. 

I visited with the family for a few more minutes before heading back home.

It's been quite a day.  I’m glad I don’t have anything scheduled for tomorrow morning.

The words of a heartbroken mother weigh heavily on my soul. 

I’m crying now.  A few more tears to and I'll be ready to retire for the night.

Note: For all who read this, please say a little prayer for the mom. 

We have another book winner!  The latest winning blog is Melankoliko.Dailogo (http://melancholiko.wordpress.com).

This blogger (named Vir) lives in Dumaguete City and writes about his day-to-day life:

In general, Melancholic Dialougue ( or Melankoliko.Dialogo) aims to share my whims and wits in life. It will unfortunately focus on my perspective of things and my entire life and where I live in. It’s an avenue for me to share and depict and map my own journey in life as an individual, created completely perfect by God plus the personality of a melancholic-sanguine in nature.

Be sure to visit his blog and congratulate him.  Will you be the next book winner?  Only one way to know--join the contest. 

My Valentine's Day gift came early last week. I ordered another hundred copies of BLL (for my own personal selling, giveaways, etc). Upon delivery I learned I had just bought the last 100 copies from the CSM warehouse. I could not believe it--I asked my friend about three times if I had heard him correctly.

It was an emotional moment for me. I even got a little misty-eyed (like a teenage girl who just finished watching Twilight).

I want to thank my blog readers for your encouragement. This whole thing started with a post. Your support gave me that extra incentive to pursue this dream.

So we're on the second printing. I still can't believe we ever did the first printing. God can use us in ways we would have never imagined!

PS--I'm not sure exactly how long it will take for the next prints to come out and hit the bookstore shelves. If you want a copy right away, better grab the next one you see.  If you're in Manila and would like to buy the book from me directly, just email me and we'll work out the details--I only have about 90 copies left in my personal supply.  Once these are sold, I'll also have to wait for the re-print. 

I believe much of the Bible’s relationship advice for singles can be summed up in two commandments.  Here they are:

1. BE PURE
2. BE WISE

The Bible doesn’t really give specific instruction on dating/courtship.  But it has a lot to say about purity and wisdom.  These principles have everything to do with love and romance!

Be Pure

I’m talking about sexual purity—the Bible’s commandments to abstain from sex outside of marriage.

Consider these verses:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
–Genesis 2:24

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."
-1st Corinthians 6:16

It is God's will that you . . . should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable . . . he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
-1st Thessalonians 4:3-8

2. Be Wise

Wisdom is the ability to make good life decisions.  The Bible is full of admonitions to live and choose wisely:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
       fear the LORD and shun evil.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Above all else, guard your heart,
       for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
       Do not arouse or awaken love
       until it so desires.
-Song of Solomon 8:4

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise . . .
-Ephesians 5:15

The Two Commandments at Work

I think 90% of students’ (and singles’) relationship problems are a matter of purity or wisdom (or a combination of the two). 

Let’s say a young woman is being pressured to have sex by her boyfriend.  We clearly have a purity issue.  In order to stay pure, she needs to “flee youthful lusts” (2 Timothy 2:22) and end this relationship immediately.

Now, suppose a young man tells me he’s madly in love.  Upon further questioning, he reveals he’s never met his “girlfriend” in person—he’s “in love” with a textmate.  Well, we have a wisdom issue here—it is foolish to profess love for someone you’ve never met in person.

The scenarios are often more complex than the ones I’ve just mentioned.  Regardless, it usually boils down to issues of purity and/or wisdom. 

I’ve been teaching these two commandments to our students.  They are easy to remember, and (hopefully) it will help them to apply biblical principles to dating/courtship.

The Basta LoveLife Valentine's Day show is online!

Show includes:
*Email from a listener
*History of Valentine's Day--should Christians celebrate it?
*Erwin hits the street and does interviews.
*Surviving V-day (aka "Single's Awareness Day") as a single.

Just visit the Podcast Page to download.

A young woman emailed me a couple of weeks ago. I’ve edited the email to make a little shorter:

Kuya Kevin, I stumbled on your site and I’ve really enjoyed reading the Learning the Hard Way section. I’d like to share my story.

It started when I met this new guy in a chat room. I eventually moved to Manila to prepare for my board exam, and we met in person. He seemed sweet and thoughtful, so I fell for him. We checked into a motel the nigh before my board exam. Fortunately, we didn’t have sex (this time).

Time came for me to return to my province, but the guy and I decided to keep in touch. He even came to visit me, and I introduced him to my parents (first time I’ve ever introduced a guy to them). I eventually learned that I passed the board exam—it seemed everything in my life was going perfectly.

This all changed with one message. A stranger emailed me and asked me if I knew “John” (not his real name). She told me she was the best friend of John’s wife, and explained he was already married with a four-year-old son. She also showed me his real friendster account, which included pictures of him with his son. This woman was really upset with me and blamed me for destroying her friend’s marriage. I promised her to cut off contact with him. Needless to say, I was completely devastated by this news.

He kept sending emails/texts, and I didn’t keep my promise—I was weak and kept communicating with him. The wife’s friend kept contacting me too, demanding to know if I was still communicating with him.

John told me his marriage was null and void and he wasn’t in love with his wife. He said he was just staying with her for the sake of the child. He even told me he would fix his papers so we could be together. Foolishly, I believed him.

We kept checking into motels until I finally gave in and had sex with him. He left me a few days later, telling me his wife was pregnant again.  This time we cut off contact for good. 

It turns out the wife’s “best friend” was the wife herself. She’s continued to harass me through email, text, etc. She’s even contacted some of my online friends and told them about what’s happened.

I’ve found someone new, and we are happy. I just hope one day this woman will forgive me.

Kuya Kevin’s Response:

Dear Blinded,

I don’t think it’s a problem to meet someone online, as long as you are super-careful. You weren’t—you were too quick to trust him based on very limited information.

Now, let’s get to the BIG mistake. You stayed with this guy, knowing he was married. Readers, keep this in mind: we are responsible for what we know. You entered this relationship thinking he was single. But once you learned something different, you were responsible to respond accordingly. Ignoring the truth didn’t make it go away.

Checking into a motel with any guy is just plain foolish. Remember: the Bible instructs us to flee temptation! (see 1st Corinthians 6:18; 2nd Timothy 2:22)

I understand the wife being upset, but her anger is misplaced. Her husband is the one who started all of this—he set up an elaborate con in order to pursue this affair. She shouldn’t use you as a scapegoat for her own marital problems. She needs to spend this energy repairing her marriage instead of trying to destroy your reputation. Will she also blame the next “chat mate” for her husband’s womanizing ways? Seems she has also chosen blindness (maybe you can ask her to read this).

I hope your new relationship works out. Take it slow this time, and don’t put yourself in tempting situations. Blessings!

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.

Here we have two presidential look-alikes in a commercial. The Barack twin is actually Indonesian.

There's a new story coming from Florida, USA.  A young woman decided to have a late-term abortion.  The doctor gave her the normal prescription drugs to induce labor and instructed her to meet him at a clinic the following day.  She did go into labor the next day, but the doctor was late.  The baby was born before he could tear it apart inside her womb (the normal process of a late-term abortion).  The young woman saw the baby struggling to breathe, but it was put in a plastic back and thown away like a piece of garbage by staff members at the clinic. 

You can read the whole horrific story here. 

This just breaks my heart.  Here's my question:  what's the difference between killing a baby inside the womb and killing one outside the womb?  

I talk about abortion and HIV, and we answer questions about: 1. Parents' disapproval of a suitor 2. Relationship with a non-Christian.

Just visit the podcast page  (http://kuyakevin.libsyn.com) to download it.

Note: Erwin has found a way to make the podcast smaller without sacrificing quality. It's only about 25 megs, so it should download faster.

Speaking of broadcasting, Thess will be on The Edge Radio this Friday night--check it out.

I mentioned Super Bowl commercials in a previous post. 

Here's a commercial with a much more serious message. NBC rejected this ad, despite the fact that the organization was willing and able to pay for the air time.

As many of you know, the Super Bowl was played a couple of days ago. I was able to watch it live, but I missed the American commercials.

The Super Bowl is probably the most-watched sporting event of the year. Commercial time is very expensive, and advertisers go all out. Many big companies wait and release their new advertising campaigns on Super Bowl night.

I was able to watch the commercials via internet. Here's a compilation of some of my favorites:

Then he told them many things in parables, saying: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. . .
-Matthew 13:3

I’m sure many of you have read the parable of the sower. I guess I’ve either read it or heard it hundreds of times over my life. My entry in Voices of the Faithful is based on it.

Here’s a question that used to bother me: which soil represents the true Christian? I’ve heard different answers in lessons and sermons.

Have you ever wondered about this? It seems pretty clear-cut with the seeds that “fall along the path”—they represent people that don’t understand or receive the gospel. But there are three more seeds/soils mentioned--what about them? What about the seed that withers under persecution? What about the one that is choked out by weeds? Was Jesus saying they weren’t truly saved?

I’ve seen all four responses to the gospel. I’ve shared my faith with those who just don’t seem to “get it.” I’ve also seen people who respond to the gospel but never bear fruit. Fortunately, I’ve also been in ministry long enough to see some respond and become fruitful followers of Jesus.

Further complicating the matter, I’ve seen the dynamics of this parable in my own life. There have been times, for example, when I’ve allowed the “cares of the world” to crowd out my love for Jesus.

Here’s what I'm thinking: maybe I was asking the wrong question!

I think this parable is more about fruitfulness and faithfulness than salvation.   I’m not sure Jesus ever intended for us to ponder which seed/soil represents saving faith.  Even if He did, I think there are other questions/truths which are much clearer. 

Here are (in my estimation) better questions: which seed/soil bore fruit? Why didn’t they all bear fruit? How can I be sure to bear fruit? I believe these more logically match the point(s) of the parable.

These questions are at the heart of my preaching/teaching. When I preach on this text, I warn against a shallow commitment and a cluttered heart. I challenge listeners to bear “hundredfold” fruit for God's glory.  I encourage them to sow generously, even when they don't see immediate results.  This, it seems, more closely matches the essence of the parable.

What do you think?

I'm watching the SuperBowl--the most-watched sports event in America.  The pre-game show featured Journey and their Pinoy lead singer, Arnel Pineda.  Mabuhay! 

If only they made Journey the halftime show--I'm not a Springsteen fan. 

Just got some good news from Church Strengthening Ministry:

Basta LoveLife is number 4 in their top ten bestselling original titles for 2008!

Thanks again for your support!

It happened again today--someone told me she would love to swap skin color with me.  "Mas gusto ko ng kulay mo (I'd rather have your color)," I responded.

Filipinos' quest for white skin really amuses me.

Then I see this tonight while channel surfing: airbrush skin tans.  It's apparently become really popular in Hollywood.

Don't forget: brown is beautiful!