Femalenetwork.com: "Expert" Advice We Could Do Without
I just happened to run across a website, femalenetwork.com, which touts itself as the “Home of the Filipina Online." Some “expert” (Dr Badiola) has written an article entitled Virginity: a Prerequisite for Marriage? I read the article, and I was simply appalled. God help us if this is typical of the advice that our young Filipinas are getting.
Dr. Badiola starts out by confessing she lost her virginity at age fifteen (she mentions this about as casually as one would mention getting braces). After presenting chastity/virginity as an antiquated idea, she proceeds to talk about the “disadvantages” of preserving one’s virginity until marriage:
"However, there can be a downside. If you marry inexperienced, you will not know what to expect, you will not have a basis to compare with. Why should I give up my virginity before I marry my boyfriend? Because you have to ensure sexual compatibility. To get married blindly is like starting an end. If you are not sexually compatible, making love will not be enjoyable and pleasurable. Furthermore, if you have not gone to the sack, you can never know if he has physiological disabilities, or if he is sexually unfit. Knowing that only after the vows will cause regret and resentment."What? You need to “test-drive” your boyfriends to make sure they can perform? What kind of nonsense is this? This is supposed to be a woman-friendly website, yet this argument is every hormonal high school boy's dream: "Sige na, kailangan natin malaman kung compatible tayo, diba? Sabi ni doctor, kasi!" (translation=Come on, we need to know if we are compatible, don't we? The doctor said so!).
Is this writer aware of the spiritual, emotional, and physical dangers of premarital sex? What about the emotional baggage of having multiple partners--doesn't this set the stage for sexual discontentment later in marriage? Does anyone really want to be compared to their spouse's former lovers? Such things are strangely absent from the doctor's article.
Here’s another brilliant quote:
"It is better to take swimming instructions before you plunge, than get backstroke directions when you are already drowning."Premarital sex is like swimming lessons? I’d say it’s a lot more like walking through a field of land mines to see if any of them explode! Has this writer never heard of STD's or teenage pregnancy?
The insanity continues:
"Sex in marriage is not only lust, but also something that cleanses the body and soul."Sex in marriage is lust? How did she reach this conclusion? The Bible never describes sex within marriage as lust. Lust is something completely different than the beautiful "one flesh" union between man and wife.
Just in case you are not confused, let's look at another incoherent statement:
"Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that women should ABSOLUTELY lose their virginity before marriage. The norm holds true, a virgin still is viewed as praiseworthy and righteous."Great! I’m so glad Dr. Badiola doesn't believe women should ABSOLUTELY expose themselves to the risks involved with premarital sex. But I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what she's actually recommending a young Filipina do when faced with decisions about sex outside of marriage.
According to this writer, sexual purity is “praiseworthy,” but but very optional (and apparently not advisable). I guess the Ten Commandments should also be renamed as the "Ten Praiseworthy Suggestions."
Dr. Badiola, I challenge you to take a stand somewhere. Either virginity has value or it doesn't. Either sex is sacred or it isn't. If you're going to talk about this subject, please tell your readers the whole story, consequences included.
Here's my advice to the editors of The Female Network: Don't publish articles that you wouldn't want your own daughters to read. Would any of you encourage your daughters to become sexually active at age fifteen?
The Designer of sex has given us plenty of instructions in the Bible. I'll take His word over any online "expert," regardless of his/her credentials.
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She makes it sound like sex either makes or breaks the marriage. So if you're not sexually compatible you just turn your back on commitment, love and your vow to God?
And what if you got pregnant everytime you had sex with each of your boyfriend just to know if he satisfy you?
I was going to leave a comment on her post and set her straight...she sounds too westernized (no offense) but it said i had to be logged in and there was no log in button there, probably because she knows a zillion will disagree.
Hi, your topic has caught my interest. And i believe that women should preserve her virginity until marriage, as this is one of the best gift that she can give to her future partner in life. This is also serves a sign of self respect and fears with God. Sex is a sacred thing and must not do it with whom you have relationship with. Just ask God for strenght and knowledge. Be smart ladies!!!
Blue,
Thanks for your comments. I really think "sexual compatibility" is a choice. If two people are committed to pleasing each other and meeting each other's needs, they'll be fine.
And yes, she does sound too Westernized--it sounds like something you'd hear on Oprah instead of a Filipina-centered publication.
Anonymous,
Thanks for reading!
So much information, advice, opinion available everywhere these days, there really is a need more than ever to mold young people’s minds so that when they are confronted with situations on marriage, courtship and love, they can make wise, Godly decisions.
It starts at home. The pulpit should not keep mum about it either. Not to be left are schools. Highschool students practically spend longer hours in school than at home!
At the end of the day, these young people will have to decide for themselves and only those who had strong foundations, a firm grasp of truth can make the right choices according to His word. We are most certain to resist and flee from temptation when our inner man is strong.
She is totally irresponsible! No matter how broad-minded one is, I doubt if any self-respecting mother would encourage her daughter to go through that route. Also, guys might like this "privilege" but at the end of the day, this is the type of girl who will never be introduced to mom.
I feel so strongly about this because of my own personal experience. I was raised RC and grounded on the value of purity. I had a firm - NO to pre-marital sex stand. The first and only kiss would be on the wedding day. It was a very easy decision to make, because I made that decision as early as 8 years old. That decision came about when my father told me, he didn't want to see me holding hands with any boy who wasn't my husband.
You're probably wondering why I am writing in the past tense. It's not because I am now married, I'm still very much single..but...I succumbed to "it" shortly before I turned 40! Why? For the stupid reason that curiosity got the better of me. I even "justified" it by saying, it's better now, than do it when I'm 45 . While the experience in itself was "good" I cannot describe the sorrow, self-loathing and emotional pain I've gone through since then. Regardless how "good" it was, I felt empty.I realized that what I had upheld for a long-time was worth preserving; that sex is an expression meant to be exercised in the right context - within the bounds of marriage.
What's worse, I was already a Christian when it happened. An unguarded heart; unregulated choice of reading materials; an irregular quiet time did me in!
If you're reading this, and a firm believer in purity, KEEP IT. You have everything to gain, by holding on to it You can't bring back that "first-intimacy" anymore which is best shared with your husband, and that's what will hurt the most.
Broken
kev, i agree. If you love each other and God is in the marriage, there's nothing you can't talk about even sex or how you would enjoy it together.
I'll leave her with this:
"you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." -1 Corinthians 6:20
Thanks for the comments, guys.
Broken,
I especially appreciate what you've written--this is the kind of gut-level honesty that people need to hear.
I suspect that the writer of this article experienced similar emotions at age 15. I simply cannot understand why she wasn't a little more forthcoming about it.
marriage is more than sex. sex within marriage is the most wonderful, liberating, loving act. there is no "watching over your shoulder in case you get caught" feeling. i wonder if she has a daughter?
From Broken:
This is the first time I have "talked about it" None of my friends are aware.I felt compelled to write my experience, hoping to address anyone who might need to "hear" it.
My experience made me more understanding of people who fail. It also underscored the importance of praying for ministry workers who can just give in anytime.
With regards to the author's article. It all boils down to choice. I still grapple with the thought on how a "wrong" can be made "right". Back in 2002, I had to attend an undergard class. I can never forget what the professor said on day-1 which is usually a "no-holds barred get-to-know the professor" day; it's that one session where you can ask anything under sun. Someone asked, "what's your stand on virginity or pre-marital sex'? Her response" I lost it when I was about 17... he was my first bf, we didn't end up togthere but, it's ok to have sex for as long as you love the guy"....I nearly fell off my seat.She was in her late
40's at that time and talking to a class of 17-18 y/olds. Here's more - I seemed to be the only one who was shocked upong hearing it!
to singles..
both man and woman should preserve virginity..
they say kasi..it is only for woman..
that is the big NO
love yourself and your body to..
keep it til you meet your partner for life..
kung ibibigay mo na ung virginity mo sa kanya..
sigurado ka ba na pakakasalan ka pa?
eh ngaun pa lang na hindi pa kayo married nabibigay mo na ang sarili mo...
so please singles..
keep yourself....PURE
Hi Kevin!
I definitely agree with you. Having the thought that you are being compared by your wife to his previous BFs in your performance in bed is definitely outrageous. Marriage is about love, understanding and care, not COMPETITION with your GF's ex boyfriends' PERFORMANCE.
We should write more articles addressing this issue so Filipinos will not be lost.
This was a good posting, actually, I've read a couple just now, as I stumbled on you by accident. I think, though, that I will bookmark you.
It makes me blue to think of how casually sex is regarded. I too promised to wait, and failed. And it's hard to maintain the pure life after that and to feel like you are still valuable. It takes a while to begin to heal. But I don't think a girl ever can feel fixed, once she's broken. I've been there, gotten pregnant, and now find my self terminally single and the mother of an admittedly awesome boy, and I'd never undo him, but I'd say broken is an accurate description of a girl like me.
Experience may make it easier to meet someone (in that there are so many more people out there with little morality, and who regard sex casually), but it only holds you back from meeting a man truly worthy of knowing and being with, I think. Casual sex leads to casual marriage, and I would way rather marry a man with sex as an unknown, and a relationship on a foundation of faith, then to test-drive some fellow and go against my God.
Thanks for your article/ rant.
Cheers,
Melissa
Thanks for sharing Melissa. If you'd like, you can email me and share your story for the "Learning the Hard Way" series.
wow, this doctor is out of her mind. (sigh)
Hi Kevin,
I totally agree that pre-marital sex is a sin. In God's grace I passed in this so called temptation and follow that it should be done when I get married.
I had an american boyfriend last 2006.He was a protestant- meaning a christian but not really practiced the teaching of the church. He believes that there's only God.. thats all. We had an argument that we should test our compatibilty in sex. I didnt give in because it doesnt mean that I dont care about him but I'm afraid and liked to do it after marriage.
He said, he was also afraid that we are not compatible and dont like sex if we're married. Its okay with him if im not a virgin and then get back with him. What he did, he's dating another girl and gone.
I was upset that time-but I prayed that I'll overcome this situation and be patience to the guy who has the same moral value of mine.
Sad to say Kevin -being a virgin in your country (america) is weird.He told me. It must something to hide there.But anyways -I'm glad its not true...
I'm so glad that you didn't give in. Sexual compatibility is a lame excuse. The right man will be very thankful that you've saved yourself for him--promise!
One of these days I'll write about this whole sexual compatibility myth.
Seriously.
I wonder why I even bothered to read Cosmo before.
To be honest, Femalenetwork.com was very instrumental in my downward spiral before.
UGH.
No wonder God didn't allow me to get employed in Summit Media!
Seriously, this is so Laodicean.
Thanks for this, Kevin!
I'm a father of two beautiful girls and i don't want them near any magazines such as that. I'm working in Saudi Arabia and being far away from them kinda scares me sometimes 'cause i love them and i want them to live the way i want them, with God.
by the way i added you to my links in my blog.
If they are 12 or up, maybe you can arrange for them to get a copy of my book. If they are younger then they aren't quite ready.
I just read the article at the femalenetwork.com and I can say that she was just curious at that age an innocent girl who are trying to be cool and wanted to look mature by choosing a husband at early age. you know children do feel like they are mature if they do what adults do.
mathematically speaking humans lives in 12yrs per stage, the first 12 yrs of life is all about being children (nursery - grade 6), then another stage comes (another 12 yrs from high school to college graduation thats about 13-24yrs old), that second stage is all about being teenager and preparations to reach out for our dreams, it's too early for marriage and commitment, on the next 12 yrs is about reaching your goals (25-36yrs old) find yourself a nice job and have a relationship and be able to stand out and can be responsible enough to take care and start a family.
on the next 12yrs (36-48yrs old) is all being a parent, so better be worried if you reach 36 and you havent even have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and the next 12 years is preparations of being a grandfather. 60 years old.
we have 5 stages of life and if we are lucky enough we might reach 7 or 8.
this is base from chinese zodiac which has 12 animals, and if you are an ox and today is year of an ox, then the next 12 years is your next lucky year of ox, because it only implies that you are entering your next stage of life. thats how fortune teller use their quote like [this is year of ox and if you are born at the year of ox you are lucky and can start a new business]
a circle is have 360deg that can be rounded up to 12 just like a clock with 12hours that can represent 1 revolution of life.
so if you read my theory.. you'll realized that as early as 15 year old girl involved on such thing is a sign of being irresponsible.
just like how they planned on Educating our children on sex education or promote condoms and abortions, we don't need such..... why do we need to educate children about sex if we can educate them about proper relationship. and teach them the stages of relationship instead, it's a shame that lots of children is involve in premarital sex on as early girlfriend/boyfriend stages, I doubt they don't know about reaching a certain stages such as fiancee and having commitment and such things. that they never heard on their parents, or maybe their parents don't care about those coz they themselves jump up stages and get married.
Keruchan,
I think you have some points here, but I don't think it is wise to compare a 13 year old with a 24 year old. Some 20 year old people get married and do just fine.
But here's what we agree on--unmarried teenage girls should not be encouraged to have sex.
Thanks for reading!
haha, right on, kuya kevin. Dont publish articles that you wouldnt want your daughters to read! what kind of crap is this from FN? im sure there are nicer arguments about being in favor of premarital sex, but this one, is pure bull!
hi kuya kevin.. im so bless your article but right now i commited to live in partner.. but im not happy on that situation d both of us is a christian everytime i alwyas cry to God.. and confess my sin.. but my stories s so long. i hope u can give me some advice to me.. thanks..
Anonymous,
There's not a gentle way for me to tell you this:
Confessing to God is a waste of time if you don't have any intention of repenting.
My advice is to get out of this situation and stop what you are doing.
I know what you are thinking: "But that will be hard." Well, whatever you do will be hard. You can either stay miserable in this situation or accept the temporary pain of leaving.
They took down the article, apparently.
Haha. Funny.
I guess I should have checked that before recycling it on my Facebook wall. I'm glad they did take it down.
can i just share po what i've read:
one rule: Total abstention from sexual activity outside of marriage and total faithfulness inside marriage.
Why sexual purity is so important for isn't just a matter of guilt, shame or emotional baggage. It's a matter of life & death. When we lose respect for the process that creates life, we inevitably lose respect for life itself.
Sex is not bad, it is a good and perfect gift, these natural desires but so much the more necessary that they be restrained, controlled, corrected, even Crucified that they might be reborn in power and purity for God :)